Not too sure if I should write this, but I'm kinda zonked out on about 30-35 assorted pills and a bit of alcohol. I deliberately don't drink very often and these are left over from my Mother-in-Laws Birthday a couple of days ago (I had one can). It was like a switch going off - all of a sudden my perception of the world changed and an incredible depression and sense of hopelessness and futility hit me.
WHAT THE HELL IS THE USE!!
Last night I took a heap of valium and xanax, plugged put my mp3 player in (to try and blot out the bad thoughts) and dozed on and off in my chair until after my wife went to bed at 11.30.

Today my wife went out to dinner and I stayed home taking lots of pills and sleeping with my mp3 player all day.

I feel like a different person, I really believe that in the right circumstances I could easily kill anyone or any thing with no remorse. Yet when this thing eventually goes, I'll just feel like anyone else.

It's no goot seeing psychologists or worse yet a psychiatrist, because they only see the worst in people and would lock me up.

I think maybe this is what chronic (long term) PTSD does to people.

It would be nice to have a friend or someone I could confide in. My wife (for reasons unknown to me) ignores me when I get like this. Bear in mind that I never yell at her, beat her, don't drink, don't go out and give her everything that I have. But she never shows any interest in what's wrong with me, and I could easily think that she just doesn't want to know.

So, when I get like this I have to suppress and bad thoughts, take lots of pills and go and lie down in a room by myself and wait for it to go away.

I look forward and have no fear of death as a release from the bad thoughts and dreams, but I choose to stay alive because I am worth more alive than dead. You see we have a joint bank account and my wife has ready access to my invalid pension and if I died she would only bet a much smaller war widows pension.

I know that there are many people worse off than me and it depresses me to think about them every day, but unfortunately the poor and destitute will always be with us.

All I know is that I don't want to be here.